PERFECTLY UNHAPPY
DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
I am happily married (most of the time) to a very disorganized man. When he undertakes a project, he does it half-heartedly and it takes him forever. For example, he finally cleaned out the garage, but left some of the boxes piled up in the back “to do later.” It’s always “later.” When he does the dishes, he leaves them in the drainer instead of drying them and putting them away. When he does the laundry, he leaves the clothes in the dryer. I am perfectly capable of cleaning, washing, and organizing but I feel like I have to do it all if I want it done right. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I’m just tired of nagging him and having to re-do everything he has done half-wrong. Why can’t he just do things the right way the first time? What can I do to change him?
FRUSTRATED
DEAR FRUSTRATED,
It sounds like you have your way of doing things on your time schedule with your methods. I’m sure you’re organized and efficient and know how to do things the “right” way the first time. However, you may also be a perfectionist with little tolerance for less-than-perfect. Your husband lives under the “good enough” rule. He doesn’t strive for perfect. Perfect is usually unattainable and causes a lot of anxiety.
A Course In Miracles says, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” You have to decide.
You may be right, but you feel frustrated by his lack of doing things your way. Try a little experiment for one month. Do not nag or remind or scold or tell your husband what to do. Do not correct him if he fails to do something perfectly. You cannot change him, but if you change yourself, he will change in response to you. Praise him when he accomplishes a task. Ignore what’s left undone. I believe this will change the atmosphere in your house, and you may be surprised to find that you will feel more peaceful.
Accept the things you cannot change. Right or happy?
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
Dear Dr. K – Excellent analysis. You are so wonderful at breaking down the problem and making us understand we were all created differently. More often we should walk in other people’s shoes for a while. Thank You, jt