DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
I was married for 60 years to the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. He was my best friend and we did everything together. He passed away suddenly 5 months ago and I felt empty. I feel lost. I thought I would feel better by now. When I look at our photographs, I feel soothed and comforted, but also so very sad. I long for those days again. What can I do to heal?
GRIEVING IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR G.I.C.,
Of course you are still grieving deeply. You lived together happily for 6 decades. You SHARED your life with this man. You ate, slept, played, parented, confided, and traveled through life together. Whenever I work with someone who is grieving, I always ask him or her to bring photographs to our sessions so I can see the loved one. I want to learn as much as I can about this special person. There is a melancholy about photographs. History forever captured in time, yet forever gone. We feel nostalgia and longing and joy, all at the same time.
People who are spiritual recover much easier than those who don’t believe in a God or a Higher Power. If you have faith and trust that there is life after death, it is a blessing. Life goes on, even though we think it shouldn’t. We are all individuals who live and breathe on our own, even though we may have been mated for life. You may be disoriented. You may not know what to do with yourself. You may have insomnia. You may be forgetful. You may feel irritable. These are all symptoms of depression, which is natural, of course. You may not know how to exist as a single person. But you will learn. My own parents were married for 53 happy years. When my father passed away, my mother was lost and lonely and so very sad. But life goes on and she knows she will join him someday, and that makes all the difference. She has created a new lifestyle for herself. She had never lived alone before. She has new hobbies, and we spend a lot of time together.
You need to get busy. It’s normal to isolate, but force yourself to get out of your house. Visit family and friends. Join new clubs. Start new hobbies. I also believe in the geographical cure. Getting away, if even for a weekend, is good for the soul. It brings perspective. Be with people. Go to public places like the mall or the library. You don’t need to interact, but it helps to be around people. Give yourself time. Cry, a lot. It releases the physical energy of sadness. Let it out. Talk it out. See a therapist. Grief counseling gives you a weekly time and place to go unload your sadness.
Take extra good care of your body. Soothe yourself with nice music, good food, warm baths, a massage. Sleep with a hot water bottle to warm your heart. The body and the mind are connected. Soothe your body which will soothe your heart.
Consider adopting a dog or a cat from the CT Humane Society. People who live with animals have a better quality of life and live longer and healthier.
Pray. Talk to your husband out loud or in your mind. He is with you. And always remember, LIFE GOES ON.
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
