WHO AM I?
DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
No matter how many people tell me that I am smart and lovable and kind, I feel stupid and unlikable and undeserving of happiness. WHY? Please explain how therapy could work for me. I have no faith in myself. I feel so empty, in spite of the facts that I have great friends.
WHO AM I?
DEAR W.A.I.,
We want to stop the pain. We want to fill the gaping hole we sense is deep inside of us. We look outside for love, attention, money, power, control, and validation. We don’t feel our own completeness, wholeness, and perfection.
No longer willing to suffer in silence like good little victims, we are now talking. Endlessly. Witness the success of 25 years of Oprah, now followed by her own OWN network. Freud initiated this “talking cure” in the beginning of the twentieth century. From FREUD to OPRAH in a few decades.
In the old days, doctors were men and women in the community who were religious and spiritual healers. Shamans, priests, wise men, and gifted women with magic potions. There was a “magical covenant,” an unspoken contract of faith and trust in the healing powers of the mystical authority figure. The success of the healing depended on the shared belief system of the patient and the community, the idealization of the healer, and the healer’s belief in himself. This paradigm lasted for thousands of years, and still exists in certain cultures.
To a large extent, the spirituality of today’s New Age movement may be seen as a renewed interest and respect for ancient inner healing techniques. Homeopathy, acupuncture, naturopathy, aromatherapy, hydrotherapy, hands-on healing, chiropractic, chakra alignment, psychic readings, astrology, channeling, past-life regression. The list goes on. There is a global interest in ancient means of healing and cure. We see a renewed religious movement reflected by the large number of trans-denominational churches in this country. But psychological healing is relatively new. Modern psychology is based on Freud’s understanding of the relationship between patient and doctor, the magical release of pain through talking, and the notions of repression, denial, and motivation. His ideas gave rise to therapy as we know it today.
The therapist replaced the priest. The couch replaced the temple. Anti-depressants and tranquilizers replaced incense and herbs.
Let The Healing Begin
Our pain comes from childhood because our parents weren’t perfect. They were human. We were injured in childhood but we still feel the pain as adults. And what is our pain? The pain is fear; the fear that we’re not good enough, not lovable, not special, not whole. We hide from who we really are, hoping not to see our flaws, our ugliness, and our vulnerability. And with fear comes the imprisonment of our souls. We lock away our true selves, and present a false mask to the world, a mask we think is more lovable, more worthy of acceptance and love. But we’re wrong. The true self, the better self, is locked away; unfree, waiting to be wanted and missed, but not knowing how to reappear.
Baby Boomers are rather intolerant of pain and depression. We are endlessly looking for relief in the form of a magic pill, a quick remedy, or a new guru. The search is expanding into our worldview as well. Evolving politics are calling for freedom on every continent. Witness the end of apartheid in South Africa, the fall of the Wall in Berlin, and the end of Communism.
We are demanding freedom for ourselves, for our community, and for our world. At the turn of the 21st century, the 90’s have been as free and evolutionary as the 60’s. Now is the time to free and heal our true psychological selves.
The Parental Program
Just like programmers input software and data into the hard drive of a computer, our parents “program” our self-concept by their words and actions. Parental Programs are messages we receive in childhood telling us who we are. As a computer obeys the commands in its programs, we obey the commands in our unconscious minds. Our parents supply the data with words: “You’re just like your father!” “You’re stupid.” “You’re pretty.” And with actions: Absence and neglect makes us feel unimportant. Drinking makes us scared. Yelling tells us we’re bad. Love makes us feel worthy. If we think we’re unworthy, we’ll sabotage ourselves. If we feel stupid, we won’t even try. Unconscious Negative Parental Programs hinder our freedom to live happily and to have successful relationships and jobs.
By uncovering your unconscious programs, you will learn how to stop the self-sabotage. With a new knowledge of your real self, you will gain faith in your ability to find the happiness we all deserve.
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in West Hartford, Connecticut and the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You can email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
