An elderly man with dementia was in a bad mood one day and his wife, who dutifully tended to him, asked what was bothering him.
“You’re always pushing me around, and you talk behind my back,” he snapped.
“But darling,” the shocked wife replied, “You’re in a wheel chair!”
Ron Winter
Get it? Wheel chair? Funny stuff, right?
Well, maybe. I was talking to an acquaintance the other day who is caring for an elderly relative with dementia and I noticed that he seemed down in the dumps.
He cares for this person on a 24-hour basis, seven days a week, tending to every conceivable need from basic hygiene and nutrition to medical and personal cleanliness issues and it is taking a toll on him, you can see it in his face.
Hoping to cheer him a bit I told him that joke about the wheelchair. I got about a 10-second smile from him and a minor chuckle, but that was it.
I told him that I had recently read a website devoted to dementia caregivers that said maintaining your sense of humor was essential to doing the job successfully.
“Oh, yeah,” he popped back. “Let the person who writes that stuff come over here and wipe —–‘s butt five times and day and then we’ll see how their sense of humor holds up. You think those advice columnists ever have to change an adult diaper morning, noon and night for a person who doesn’t want to wear it in the first place?”
I didn’t have a response for that, but he looked so intent, so serious when he said it that I burst out laughing. He didn’t take that very well but considering that my immediate family has been caring for my going-on-95-year-old mother 24 hours a day for nearly three years now, he cut me some slack.
“At least you have some idea of what I’m going through,” he finally groused. “But I can’t believe the guff I take from people who have never cared for an elderly person for even one second of their lives, and put their folks into institutions just because they are too lazy or self-absorbed to care for them. But they always have something to say.”
So I asked my friend if he could give me a list of pet peeves, and what non-caregivers should do to rectify them. He rattled off so many that I couldn’t get them all down.
But here are a couple examples and his recommended solutions:
“If you have never taken care of an elderly person who can’t care for themselves for an entire month non-stop – shut up!
If you have never had to clean an elderly person after they have had a bowel movement – shut up!
If you have never had to start your day by emptying the bedside commode – shut up!
If you have never had to help elderly people get dressed starting with their diaper – shut up!
If you have never had to keep you patience while an elderly person blames you for their infirmities and age-related issues – shut up!
If you have never had to put aside three hours so an elderly person can go to a 15-minute appointment – shut up!
If you have never included special railings, ramps, and other elder-friendly accessories when you think about remodeling your home – shut up!
He ran out of breath before he ran out of ideas, but as I started to leave I asked him if there was any other advice he could give to people who institutionalize their relatives simply because they can’t be bothered caring for them.
He thought again and then gave us this: “A few years ago one of my favorite cartoonists did a panel that said scientists found a place out in Arizona where the sun doesn’t shine.”
“So?” I asked him.
“So after they shut up they can go there and stick their heads in it.”
“Stick their heads where the sun doesn’t shine?”
“Precisely.”
“Then what?” I asked
“Stay in that position until I summon you.”
With that my friend’s face broke into a huge grin, and as he returned to his duties I could swear I heard him humming “Whistle while you work!”
People don’t get it unless they’ve walk in a caretaker’s shoes. I could make more comments but enough said!