DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
I have suffered from an anxiety disorder since I was a teenager. Thankfully, I’m on the right medication and have a wonderful therapist. I haven’t had a panic attack in over a year. BUT, I just had a discussion with my wife (which happens monthly) regarding my ability to love. I actually find it difficult to “love” almost like I have a guard up 99% of the time. My wife feels unhappy and unloved by me. She says all we talk about is ME. After these talks, I sort of “wake up” for a few days. I’m more affectionate and I try to listen to her. But then I return to my aloofness. I feel a lot of anxiety around her which may be from the fact I know the relationship is strained. I don’t know why my love is so superficial. I grew up in a family that was very distant where feelings weren’t discussed and emotion wasn’t shown. I know I am very egocentric. I know ‘It’s all about me.” This is a sad, very depressing way to live and it wears on us both. I know I can love, I have just lost my way.
ALL ABOUT ME
DEAR ALL ABOUT YOU,
Because you grew up with an anxiety disorder, you were naturally very aware of your feelings of fear and panic. You were probably hyper-vigilant about your mood and the triggers that caused your discomfort. And since your family was not open to talking about this, you learned to keep it all inside. When you finally found people to trust, you learned how good it felt to talk about it. Talking releases anxiety and depression by getting your feelings out of your head and into the room with another person. That’s why psychotherapy works. It’s normal for someone with an anxiety disorder to become self-absorbed. You needed to monitor your feelings to protect you from embarrassing situations. Your anxiety was a secret. The problem is, with self-absorption comes a lack of focus on others.
There is a way to change all of this. You must be mindful every day to reprogram your brain to live a more open and loving life. WITH INTENTION.
INTENTION:
“I want to be loving and open and interested in my wife and other people.”
PAY ATTENTION:
“Here I go again. I’m not listening. I’m not affectionate. I’m focused on ME.”
BEHAVIOR STOPPING:
“STOP! Wake up! Refocus!”
NEW BEHAVIOR:
“I focus on my wife and other people I care about. I ask questions and listen to their answers. I remember. I make time for my wife. I am affectionate, even when I don’t feel like being this way. I am changing. I am loving and kind and interested in other people. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME ANYMORE!”
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
Life goes on… and every day matters…
