It was a dark and stormy night. My patient, let’s call her Mary, went to a bar in an upscale restaurant, looking to meet a man. Divorced a few years ago, she felt ready to find a new relationship that could lead to marriage. She was lonely and wanted to share her life with someone. So that night, she met a man who asked for her number, and they agreed to meet on the weekend for dinner.
They had a lovely evening, found they had lots in common, and were very attracted to each other. He wined and dined her and was very attentive. How great! He invited her back to his place for more wine and conversation. With too much alcohol, one thing led to another and they had sex. She went home in the middle of the night, excited and scared, all at the same time. Excited because she found a great guy, scared because she didn’t know what would happen next. Sadly, he never called her again, and she felt humiliated and rejected.
The moral of this story is that if you can say, “Oh, I hope he calls.” you shouldn’t have had an intimate evening. In our sessions together, we talked about her lack of confidence in the dating world. Her lack of self-esteem made her feel she needed to please him to keep him interested. She thought he cared. Actually, he cared about having sex with her! Remember; get to know someone from the top down. Head=emotional closeness. Not the bottom up. Genitals=early sex. It’s one thing if you just want to “hook up” with no intention of a relationship. But if you truly want more, you need to get to know someone intellectually, emotionally and spiritually by sharing time together doing things you both enjoy. When you have sex, early on, you have a false sense of being closer to the person than you actually are. The best example of this is the film, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” She makes him wait until they are both clear that the relationship is monogamous and committed with the possibility of a future together. Have the conversation. “I don’t have sex with anyone unless I’m in a committed monogamous relationship. “ Communicate to become closer. Know your goals. Read “The Hard Questions” by Susan Pivar.
And by the way, my patient is 62 years old.
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
