Rosa came to this country from Mexico when she was two months old. She has never returned, and yet she feels trapped in the Old World values of traditional Hispanic religious beliefs.
Her parents prayed to live in the United States so they could give their children things they could never have. The problem was, they brought their limiting beliefs with them, unconsciously thwarting any growth or success in their children’s futures. They programmed what they knew: limitations, stereotypes, and pessimism. Not out of malice, but out of fear and love.
Rosa came to see me when she felt stuck in her Old World lifestyle at the young age of twenty-one. Although she felt proud of her heritage, she longed for the freedom she saw in the American culture. She loved her husband, but he agreed with her parents’ Cultural Programs, and she felt trapped.
Limiting Cultural Programs:
“Women stay home and raise babies.”
“Men make all the decisions.”
” Men are smarter than women.”
” A good wife does what she’s told.”
Going to see a psychologist was already a big step towards breaking the cultural rules of her parents and husband. It took a lot of courage (and secrecy) for Rosa to see me. But she wanted help to break free from the ties that held her back, without breaking the ties to her family whom she loved. She believed their “stereotypical” thinking greatly limited her life choices.
We found the following Programs:
Rosa’s Mother’s Program:
“You are only a girl, and need a husband who takes care of you. “
“You have to learn how to cook, clean, do the laundry, and take care of your husband and babies because that is your mission in life.”
“You are fragile and always sick. “
“You are weak, not born to go to school. “
“You are not pretty. “
“Thank God you are a housewife because you are not smart enough to have a job, not even as a cashier, because that would be too hard for you.”
Rosa obeyed her commands by being sick most of the time. She believed herself to be fragile, and her immune system must have gotten the message. She had constant upper respiratory infections and missed a lot of school. She was afraid to even look for a job after graduating from high school, convinced she was incapable of anything. She married, as expected, when she was eighteen, and immediately had two children. Feeling trapped, she defined herself as “just a housewife” with no way out. Her husband actually tried to encourage her to do more if she wanted, but she had no confidence.
In our work together, we looked at her Programs and analyzed which ones were actually true. She had done well in school, despite her Program that she was a stupid girl. Over time, Rosa was able to see her true self. She needed to “get amnesia” to find herself once more.
How Rosa Made Her Programs Come True:
“I am sick most of the time.”
“I am afraid to look for a job.”
“I am afraid to go to college.”
“I am just a housewife.”
“I am afraid to speak up to my husband.”
Rosa’s New Self Programs:
“I want to have a career.”
“I want to feel better about my self. “
“I want to feel confident.”
“I want to learn how to set goals in my life.”
“I want to be happy.”
“I want to have the courage to be myself when I am with my family.”
And today Rosa has found fulfillment as a wife, mother, and nurse!!!
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
