HISTORY REPEATS
DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
I am wondering why all of my relationships have been with abusive men. At first they seem to be loving and good to me. And about 6 months into the relationship, the yelling and criticizing begins. I usually stay with them for about 3 years before I “get” that things will not change, no matter how hard I try. What is wrong with me that I keep attracting these men?
SCARED TO DATE
DEAR SCARED,
You attract ALL kinds of men, but you only let the abusive men in! WHY?
Because we have an unconscious desire to place ourselves in situations that make us feel exactly as we did as a child. We are compelled to repeat past behaviors and feelings. Especially the bad.
For example, if a child is raised by an alcoholic, there is a very good chance that she will grow up to marry an alcoholic. It would seem against the odds, given the pain and turmoil of an alcoholic home. You would think she would avoid it at all costs. But it is because she was raised in pain and turmoil that it doesn’t seem so unusual or bad. It seems normal and somehow comfortable. After all, she knows the behaviors. She knows what to do and how to act around an alcoholic. So when her husband gets drunk, it feels normal to be in the role of caretaker. Not because she loves taking care of a drunken man, but because she’s done it countless times before as a child. Now, imagine a woman not raised by an alcoholic parent is dating an alcoholic. She isn’t familiar with drunken behavior. So when her date gets drunk, she feels uncomfortable and doesn’t want to be around him. His behavior doesn’t match what feels known and normal to her.
We are PROGRAMMED to believe certain things about self and the world by how we were treated as children.
It’s very important to understand HOW we were programmed in order to find our own repetition compulsions (the compulsion to repeat negative feelings of childhood). Freud said our goal is to make the unconscious conscious. If we make our unconscious Parental Programs conscious, their power is lessened.
My guess is that you were raised in a critical judgmental abusive home. It would explain why you feel attracted to abusive men. It feels normal, not good.
SO. WHAT CAN YOU DO? Make a list of what you were taught.
Go to my website: www.kathleencairns.com, click on THE PSYCHOTHERAPY WORKBOOK, and download the Introduction and CHAPTER ONE for free. Fill out the questionnaires, learn what you were taught, and reassess your life in the present. You’re not who you think you are!
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
