DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
I am 28 years old and my boyfriend of 1 year is 33 and has been divorced. We are about to be engaged but I worry that we could get divorced too. Why should I think that our marriage would last forever?
Kathleen
Scared To Marry
DEAR S.T.M.,
First of all, you are asking the wrong question. Remember, our minds will search for answers to the questions we ask ourselves. There are no guarantees that a marriage will last forever. If you’re asking yourself “Why should I think we will NOT get divorced? “ your mind will list all of the reasons that your marriage won’t work (destructive thinking).
The real (productive) questions are:
Are we compatible?
Do we have shared values and goals?
Do we like to do the same things?
Do we treat each other with love and respect and kindness?
Do we enjoy each other’s company?
Do we have the ability to resolve conflict?
Do we share a commitment to love each other in good times and in bad?
Are we emotionally mature enough to make this life long choice?
And the real questions are, “How can we make each other happy during our lifetimes? What can we do to make this marriage last forever?” An excellent MUST READ book is “The Hard Questions” by Susan Pivar.
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
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