DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
My wife of 14 years just announced that she wants a divorce! I am so shocked! She told me calmly, as if she was asking me to go to the store, instead of telling me to move out. I don’t know what happened. I tried to change her mind, but she is so certain and unemotional. How can this be happening???
SHOCKED AND CONFUSED
DEAR S. &C.,
Every January, I see a lot of men in my office who are shocked and confused because their wives want a divorce and they didn’t see it coming. I call them my JANUARY MEN.
The conversation generally goes like this:
“My wife just told me she wants a divorce! I had no idea!”
“You’re surprised? You had no idea she was so unhappy?”
“I’m totally shocked and blindsided. I thought we were going to be together forever. I didn’t really ever think about it.”
“Were you happy in your marriage?”
“Yeah, things were OK, not great, but not bad either.”
“Did your wife ever talk to you about things that bothered her.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Did she ever suggest counseling?”
“Yes, but I thought we could handle things ourselves. I didn’t think it was that bad.”
“Did she complain about the same things over and over again?”
“YES, BUT I DIDN’T THINK SHE MEANT IT!”
“I didn’t think she meant it.” There’s the problem. I’ve often noticed that women suffer during a marriage, and men suffer after it’s over. I know I’m generalizing. There are lots of women who are unaware of the needs of their husbands. There are lots of men who are in tune with their wives. It’s just that I see a lot of surprised “clueless men”every January. In tears, tragically feeling abandoned and betrayed. One man described the feeling perfectly. “I feel like I’m 8 years old and my mother left me alone in the mall.”
Separations rarely happen after Halloween. It’s like the “cut-off date.” People choose to “get through the holidays” before they confront their spouse to separate. Thanksgiving is so close; there are the Christmas holidays and then New Year’s Eve. But come January, they feel free to make the break. Hence, the name JANUARY MEN.
When a decision is made to end a relationship, the arguing normally stops. The unhappy one has given up all hope and has turned her thoughts to making plans for separation and divorce. Men may take this lack of arguing to mean that THINGS HAVE GOTTEN BETTER. They think if she’s not complaining, things must be OK. No. Sadly, no.
I always recommend that the JANUARY MAN bring his wife in for at least one session. Sometimes, it can lead to real growth and change, now that she has gotten his attention. I’ve often seen reconciliations that come when all of the problems are exposed. At the very least, counseling can help make the transition from separation to divorce to rebuilding individual lives.
SO, if you are a man who is not taking his wife’s unhappiness seriously, think again. Pay attention; she is not imagining her own unhappiness. She is not having fun complaining. WAKE UP.
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in West Hartford, Connecticut and the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You can email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
