LETTER TO A PEDOPHILE
Whenever I work with a victim of sexual abuse or molestation, I encourage them to write a letter to their abuser. Often their anger, guilt, shame, and sadness are overwhelming. They want to express these feelings, but don’t know how.
Shakespeare’s Lady Macbeth said, “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” Alcoholics Anonymous assures us that saying something out loud takes its power away. Often we feel better just having “gotten something off our chest,” regardless of the response. The expression itself is healing.
We need to find a simple way to talk about our past hurts and disappointments, with the person who did the hurting and disappointing. Sometimes this isn’t possible, as when the person is deceased. Sometimes it’s not advisable, as when the person is unable to understand. And sometimes, it’s simply not in our best interest, as when there would be negative consequences.
Letter writing can be a cathartic and liberating experience. It can be written, re-written, edited, filed away, thrown away, burned, mailed, or hand-delivered. Whether you choose to have the person read it or not is entirely your decision. Let your actions be motivated by a desire to heal yourself.
Letters are a slower and calmer method of confrontation than speaking in person. Writing allows you time to gather your thoughts, to feel the anger or sadness in privacy. The completion of the letter is often a great way to exorcise the negative emotions you may have carried for years. But sometimes, you may choose to mail it. You may want the person to know on a deeper level what your feelings are. You may want reconciliation, resolution, or understanding. But only if it’s safe.
Here is a letter from one of patients who has given me permission to share this with you.
To Father X,
When I was 14, you took away my innocence. You changed my life forever. Because you were a priest, I had been taught to be in awe of you, to respect and obey you as a Man Of God. You told me I was the special one, the chosen girl. I was so confused and guilt-ridden. And because I was a meek, shy, good little girl, you thought I would never tell anyone. But I did. After a year of weekly caressing and touching you under your robes, after a year of forced oral sex in the bathrooms, after a year of sleepless nights and fearful days, you gave me a letter that described all of the sexual acts you were going to make me do with you. This terrified me so much that I gave it to my father that day. He and my mother were horrified and immediately reported it to the Bishop. I never saw you again. BUT, I recently learned that you were merely transferred to another parish in another state. Because this happened 30 years ago, there was no arrest. There was no therapy. There was never another conversation about what happened to me. That was typical of the times. Today, boys and girls are taught to say no, to tell a teacher or parent or a trusted adult. I grew up with this shameful secret. I didn’t date until I was out of college. I had male friends but unconsciously chose boys who would never want sex with me. I learned my first boyfriend was gay. I knew how to make myself safe. The heavy drinking started then. After college, I had a series of promiscuous relationships with bad boys. Even though I was uncomfortable with sex, you had taught me that my sexuality was my only value. Pregnancy caused me to marry an abusive man. I drank to forget my childhood abuse. I drank to deaden the pain. I drank because it made me numb. I drank because it was Tuesday. But then I lost my children to foster care because of my alcoholism. I carried this shame with me too. I finally got divorced and sober. I learned in treatment the connection between my sexual molestation and my desire to deaden the memories with alcohol.
Therapy has changed my life. I am learning that I was the victim, not the guilty one. I am learning to allow myself to be angry instead of shameful. I am learning to focus on my self instead of just taking care of others. I am trying to forgive myself for not stopping it sooner. I am trying to forgive myself for my alcoholism. I am even trying to forgive you. I know that most pedophiles have been victims themselves. When it happens to a young boy, the sexual wiring in the brain gets distorted and causes the cycle of abuse to continue.
I wonder how many other children were your victims. I pray that you got help for yourself before you died.
Victim No More
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
