Honesty & Integrity
If we have lived most of our lives in unhealthy relationships, most likely we’re not accustomed to living in honesty. We have lived in the denial of our own emotions, needs, and feelings. We may have integrity when it comes to our dealings with others, but we need to treat ourselves with the same respect. Ask someone just out of a bad relationship where she would like to go for dinner and she will say, “I don’t care, wherever you want.” She has no idea about her own opinions. Her focus has not been on herself. She has not honestly addressed her self. Often, we’re under so much stress that we don’t take the time to know if we’re OK. We tell others “I can handle it,” only to collapse with the flu or a migraine.
The body doesn’t lie. We lie when we say we’re OK, but the body contradicts. Our body will make us sick in order to make us stop, to make us truthfully see ourselves.
Be honest. Don’t deny when something is wrong, just because it feels easier. Whenever you feel that pang in your stomach or solar plexus, trust it. Something is wrong. That’s the truth. When someone does something or says something that gives you that “gut” feeling, your body is telling you the truth. Something is wrong. Be honest. Being politely passive and agreeable are no longer options. Tell the truth. Live with integrity.
Trust
Abusive relationships teach us to not trust what we see. We learn to see the danger in every situation, in every relationship, in defense of our selves.
We learned to distrust, because disappointment is intolerable and surprise is dangerous.
And yet, in healthy relationships, trust is essential. We trust the person in relationship with us is real, good, kind, honest, and forthright. And in order to trust the other, we have had to learn to trust our own judgment. This takes time. We need to prove to ourselves that this time we have chosen to open our hearts to someone who will treat us with love and respect. This time, we will love someone who will not betray us. It is often ironic that when we meet a loving person who is deserving of our trust, we cannot recognize them yet. Our healthy radar is not yet trusted. The war is over but no one told us. We’re like soldiers still armed for battle, and the rest of the world is waiting for us to feel the peace. Trust is a process that can be learned by facing the fear, by trial and error.
Self-Knowledge
If we were raised in abuse, the focus was on “other” and not “self.” It was necessary to pay close attention to the mood and behavior of others in order to protect ourselves emotionally and/or physically. We sometimes didn’t have time to know own feelings and needs and wants.
Today, if we’re not aware of who we are as individuals, we will continue to be lost. We know that feeling. Lost, unimportant, not special, not worthy. Always attentive to the needs and desires and whims of others, always the perfect audience. But true emotional health requires self-knowledge. We need to be whole, complete, aware, fully-functioning men and women in order to connect with others in a healthy way.
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
