DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
I have been dating a wonderful man for over a year. He is everything I’ve always wanted in a partner. BUT, it seems that every time I’m in a relationship, I lose my self. I tend to give up my friends and hobbies to do what he wants to do. I don’t want to lose him, but at the same time, I feel resentful that I’m once again feeling lost. What should I do?
LOST
DEAR L,
Being in a loving committed relationship is supposed to add to the quality of your life. Ideally, 2 people feel comfortable and excited, all at the same time. Comfortable because you feel safe and not judged, excited because it is a joy to be with the one you love. BUT, sometimes, women especially, feel they have to give up being themselves to be “accepted” by their mate. This is a huge mistake, because in the end, we all end up being who we are and everyone finds out! Ask yourself the following 20 questions. If you don’t feel comfortable with your answers, it may be time to rediscover and reassert yourself. Talk to him, tell him your feelings, and if needed, a few counseling sessions may help.
Are You an “I” or a “We”?
1. Are you more aware of your own needs, or your mate’s needs?
2. Are you happier when you’re with your mate than any other time?
3. How much time do you spend with your mate?
4. Do both of you have outside interests and friends of your own?
5. How much time do you spend together recreational?
6. Would you rather be with your mate than with anyone else? Do you cancel plans with others if you unexpectedly can be with your mate?
7. Do you define yourself in terms of other people? Wife, mother, boyfriend?
8. Is your work meaningful to you? Does it bring you a sense of self, apart from your relationship?
9. Do you go on separate vacations? Do you often not see each other for days at a time?
10. Do you feel like you could go on if something happened to your mate or to the relationship?
11. Is your relationship the most important part of your life? Does your mate have similar priorities?
12. Are you able to argue and hold your own opinion if you believe you are right? Do you often submissively agree just to end a conflict?
13. Do you feel equal in the relationship?
14. Do you find yourself saying, “We think.…” more than “I think….”?
15. In your life, have you mostly been in a relationship, or on your own?
16. Are you able to entertain yourself and enjoy your own company when you are alone?
17. Do you love your mate freely, or does a part of you believe you need your relationship to function?
18. If something happened to end this relationship, would you want another mate in the future?
19. Do you feel more valuable when you are in a relationship? Do you feel more vulnerable or unstable when you are single?
20. Do you have a strong sense of self when you are with your mate?
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in West Hartford, Connecticut and the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You can email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
