GUILT
Dear Doctor Kathleen,
I am 29 years old and still live at home with my parents. I know this is not normal and would love to get my own apartment. I’ve saved the money I need to make this happen, but now I’m afraid to tell my parents. I don’t want to hurt them. They tell me that I have a good life with them and that I would be wasting money. The problem is, part of me believes them. They have overprotected me and I guess I have been taught that the world is dangerous. My friends tell me it’s time for me to grow up. What should I do with my guilt?
GUILTY GIRL
Dear G.G.,
Guilt is a draining and useless emotion most of the time. People who really do bad things often don’t feel guilty. People with the most compassion often feel guilty when they don’t put others’ feelings above their own. This is a perfect example. You want to become independent but have allowed yourself to push your own desires aside so as not to hurt your parents. They mean well but their fears have led to your lack of empowerment. Your biggest problem is the guilt and shame you feel if you went against your parent’s wishes. You would be “a bad girl.” Your guilt and shame keep you stuck and scared. You need to find your inner power and sense of self.
Shame is a belief in one’s own guilt.
Guilt is a belief in one’s flawed self. Guilt leads to self-blame, and shame is beneath self-blame. The answer to this unhappy cycle is to examine the validity of the guilt. Misplaced guilt is often unexpressed anger.
One way to become empowered it to do The “Guilt” Exercise.
Complete the sentences for a situation that makes you feel guilty
I feel guilty when…
I resent the fact that…
I want it to be OK for me to…
It’s OK for me to…
I feel guilty when I think about moving out on my own, and making my own decisions. I feel that I would hurt my parents terribly.
I resent the fact that I’m twenty-nine years old and still living at home. I resent the fact that my parents treat me like a nine year old and tell me what to do.
I want it to be OK for me to move out on my own and have a normal grown-up relationship with my parents. I want them to respect me and love me for who I am.
It’s OK for me to move out and make my own decisions. My parents may be hurt and angry at first, but hopefully they will realize that it’s for my own good. I need to do what is right and healthy for me.
By writing this exercise, you may achieve a better sense of your true feelings, which may not include guilt at all. You may uncover hidden anger and resentment, or fear and anxiety. It’s best to know what your real emotions are.
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
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