TIGER MOM BOOK
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Moms is a new book written by Amy Chua, a Chinese-American law professor from Yale. This book has caused much controversy because of her harsh parenting methods. Calling her 7 year old “garbage,” not letting her eat or go to the bathroom until she learned a piece of piano music, threatening to give away toys, not allowing her daughters to watch television, not letting them participate in school plays, refusing them to have sleepovers or play dates. According to psychologist Ruth Chao who has studied parenting styles for over 30 years, Asians train their children. She describes Western parenting as fostering growth. Asian mothers, (Chinese in particular), express their love by discipline and pushing their children to be perfect. They expect their children to get all A’s. They expect excellence and high achievement. Failure (less than perfect) = shame for the family.
$$$ = Freedom & Happiness
In my work in Beverly Hills, I’ve seen many financially successful first generation Asian patients. But, they often had feelings of never being good enough, successful enough, smart enough, popular enough, attractive enough, thin enough. NOT ENOUGH. Their parents came from China and worked hard to make $ to be able to provide expensive educations so their children could live the American Dream. They showed love in this way. But the children never felt loved. The pressure of perfectionism caused depression.
Being perfect is rare, hard to sustain, and a set up for feeling less than.
Perfect is boring. Perfect is plastic. Perfect has no personality, no individuality, and no soul.
(Please read David D. Burns’ classic article “The Perfectionist’s Script For Self-Defeat written in Psychology Today magazine November 1980.)
In classrooms, perfectionists are often worried about making mistakes. This can cause procrastination, not even trying, giving up, and over-thinking.
ON THE OTHER HAND, I think American parents can learn from this book. The present Western parenting style seems to me to be overly indulgent, without clear rules and boundaries. Parents need to instill higher expectations, motivation, and participation in their children’s education and social life.
“Do YOUR best,” not “Be perfect.” Boundaries, rules, consequences, and consistency need to be in every home.
An excellent website is www.parentingmagic.com. I’m also very impressed with John Rosemond www.rosemond.com.
Practical old-fashioned-common-sense-advice that reminds parents that they have the power and the responsibility to parent, not befriend.
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
Life goes on… and every day matters…
