PURPLE HAIR
DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
I am 29 years old, have a great husband, 2 beautiful children, wonderful friends, and yet my self-esteem is painfully low. When I was a child, my parents were neglectful and sometimes mean because they were alcoholics. I have been able to surround myself with loving people, and yet I don’t ever feel I deserve to have them in my life. What is wrong with me???
UNDESERVING
DEAR UNDESERVING,
When you were little, you were “programmed” to believe that you were not deserving of love or attention. Every time your parents neglected you or treated you badly, you believed you were bad, not worthy of loving kindness, and unlovable. Children don’t have the capacity to think, “They treat me this way because they are alcoholics and have problems. I am lovable.” Children believe whatever they are told and how they are treated.
Even as adults, we can be brainwashed by how we are treated. When someone tells you one time that you have purple hair, you think “What a strange comment.” When someone tells you again that you have purple hair, you may think, “Hmmm, that’s odd.” When someone tells you a third time that you have purple hair, you may start to mistrust yourself. You find yourself looking in the mirror and say, “Oh, they’re right! I see the purple tints! I do have purple hair!” This is why it’s so important to be very selective in who we allow into our lives. Even though you have a wonderful family and loving friends, you are stuck in believing what your parents taught you about yourself. Live in the present. See yourself and your life as it is today. Start believing how others see you today.
- Have the intention that you want to see the truth about yourself.
- Pay attention to when your thoughts are negative.
- Stop the thoughts.
- Replace the thoughts. “I am lovable and deserving of my wonderful life.”
Read more at kathleencairns.com. Click on The Psychology Workbook and read the Introduction and Chapter One.
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
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