HOW TO PLAN YOUR OWN FUNERAL!
“I don’t mind dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen pretty much summed up the common attitude toward death. We know it happens to everyone, but we don’t want to think about it. Not about our death, or the death of our loved ones.
As a result, we’re usually shocked by the death of our parents, our spouse, our siblings or worst of all, our children. We don’t know what to do when they die; we’re overwhelmed with grief and often guilt. Dazed, we stumble through the funeral arrangements and the funeral itself. We do things this way or that because we believe our beloved “would have wanted it that way,” despite the fact that few of us really know what they wanted. Neither do we know what we, the survivors, want and need.
Frightened by thoughts of death, we stick our heads in the ground, ostrich-like, refusing to face that which we fear. Ironically, doing so makes dying more anguishing for both the deceased and the survivors.
If only we could talk about death with our loved ones in a light, practical manner, long before anyone was sick, settle all the emotional issues, say rich “goodbyes,” and know that there was no unfinished business.
If we could do all this, we could clear away the unnecessary guilt and anguish related to death. And we could go to the next world knowing that we’ve done everything possible to make our passing easier for our families.
AND WE CAN!
I am teaching a course called “Last Wishes: How To Plan Your Own Funeral” in a few weeks. It is based on my hopefully soon-to-be-released book of the same name. In it, the reader will learn how to remove some of the shock and horror the sadness and fear from death by pre-planning the funeral. Whether it is your funeral or for your loved one’s, pre-planning can be a joyful, enriching process of self-discovery and deeper emotional connection with others.
I remember one afternoon years ago, sitting in my parents’ backyard on a sunny summer afternoon. Together we wrote our obituaries. It seemed an odd thing to do, but I was practicing what I preach. And after awhile, it turned into a walk down memory lane. I learned things about them that I hadn’t known or had forgotten. And we laughed a lot! What would we want to wear at the wakes? (Oh no, you can’t wear that!) Where do the donations in lieu of flowers go? Where should we have the after-parties? Fear of facing this final chapter of life turned into reminiscing and planning a celebration of life!
So, I encourage you all to plan your own funerals! A time to live, a time to die. A time to celebrate life.
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
