JACK AND JILL: How To Understand The Male & Female Parts Of Ourselves

There are certain traits in our society that are seen as masculine and feminine. Masculinity is often paired with aggression, decisiveness, logic, rationality, and control. Femininity is often described  as soft, gentle, romantic, sensitive, and nurturing. Every man has a feminine aspect in his personality. C.G. Jung called this the anima. Every woman has a masculine aspect in her personality. Jung called this the animus.

I believe we need to connect to these parts of ourselves in order to better understand our male-female relationships. There are really four of us in every couple: the male self, the feminine-male self, the female self, and the masculine-female self.

Let’s call the feminine-male self Jill.

Let’s call the masculine-female self Jack.

Let’s look at an example. Sue and Leonard are having an argument. She doesn’t understand why he doesn’t make more money, and keeps asking him why he doesn’t get the promotion. Leonard yells back that the company is having hard times and tells Sue to get off his back. But, if we look inside Leonard and Sue, we find Jack and Jill. Sue’s Jack is aggressively fighting for what she thinks Kenny deserves; that is, more money and more respect from a better job title. Leonard’s Jill is feeling inadequate and embarrassed because his wife sounds like she’s belittling his present income and profession. Both are misunderstood. If Sue and Leonard are able to identify the Jill and Jack in each other, this knowledge would lead them away from argument and take them instead towards support, understanding, and compassion. Sue would be able to support Leonard’s job frustrations, and Leonard might be encouraged by Sue’s belief in him to go after more.

Find Your Jack and Jill

Look inside and identify your other self. You may be aware of this already, but often, the other-gender self is disowned. By disowned, I mean not valued or not liked. Girls have been warned to not act like boys, and boys are teased if seen at all girlish. Both genders have positive and negative aspects. It is in identifying and owning all parts of ourselves where we will find our wholeness and our richness.

Next, look at your mate’s other-gender self. Find the characteristics that may be hidden. Discuss this theory with each other. In knowing the Jack and Jill within, understanding each other should come easier. Support each other in your other genders, and during times of disagreement, try to speak from your Jack and Jill.

1. How would you describe your relationships?

2. Does your mate remind you of anyone in your family?

3. How does your mate make you feel about yourself?

4. How did your parents make you feel about yourself when you were little?

5. Are these feelings similar? In what way?

6. What role do you take in your relationship?

7. What role did you take in your family as a child?

8. Are these roles similar? In what way?

9.  Describe the perfect parental marriage.

10. Describe your perfect marriage.

11. Describe your parent’s marriage.

12. Describe your marriage/relationship/past relationships.

13. Are you repeating your family’s relationship styles in your own             relationships?

14. What can you do to change your Relationship Program?

BRING ALL OF YOU TO EACH OTHER.

Excepted from The Psychotherapy Workbook

LIFE GOES ON©

Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.”  You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.

www.kathleencairns.com

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