ONLINE EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS
DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,
Every night after dinner, my husband gets on his computer for the rest of the evening. He tells me he has to work at home just to stay on top of his projects. I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I guessed his password and discovered hundreds of emails from a woman who lives thousands of miles away. The dates show this “affair” has been going on for over a year. The emails are flirtatious, sexual, and filled with their fantasies. I feel shocked, betrayed, and nauseous. I don’t know what to do.
CHEATED ON
DEAR C.O.,
You say you were shocked and yet I believe you must have been searching for something when you looked at his emails. You may have suspected this, and you were right. Be careful what you look for! I know this may be difficult and embarrassing, but you need to tell your husband how you discovered this emotional affair. You don’t say how long you’ve been married, but this online relationship suggests something is missing in your relationship. The shiny new toy syndrome. He may tell you it’s innocent as she lives so far away. It isn’t. His emotional romantic and sexual energies are focused on her, not you. .
In AA they say, “You’re as sick as your secrets.” Your husband had a secret. There is no intimacy when there is a secret.
I think you could greatly benefit from marriage counseling. Your apparent disconnect needs to be repaired with communication and honesty. This situation just may be the catalyst you need to refresh and rejuvenate your marriage.
LIFE GOES ON©
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in West Hartford, Connecticut. She works with adults, adolescents, and couples. You may call her at 860-236-5555 to make an appointment. She is the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You may email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
Life goes on…and everyday matters.
Having just went through this, I want to recommend another therapist who recently wrote extensively about this issue at http://www.donnaferber.com. I found her information very supportive and helpful. Glad this subject is getting a lot of attenton.
Several years ago, I spoke about emotional affairs on Jim Vicevich’s WTIC radio show and received SO many calls from BOTH men and women who were affected by this. With technology comes the good and the bad. I wish you well. Kathleen
As heart-wrenching as the situation is for “Cheated On,” it may have been illegal for her to have “guessed” a password, accessed her husband’s email account, and retrieved messages. The Electronic Communications Privacy Act protects the privacy of electronic communications, including personal email.
I am so glad this internet thing works and your article really helped me. Might take you up on that home advice you