DEAR DOCTOR CAIRNS,
I am not getting any younger. I’m a 36-year-old woman who desperately wants children. I’ve been dating someone who is OK, but certainly not my soul mate. Should I settle and marry him so I can have children? I’m afraid there won’t be anyone better.
SETTLE OR SEARCH?
DEAR S. OR S.,
The word SETTLE implies that this man is below your expectations and desires for a life long partner. Yes, you can marry him, have children, and hope for the best. You can set aside your desire for your soul mate in exchange for the likelihood of having children. OR, you can end this relationship to make yourself available to the man you truly want to meet. There are so many options. Adoption, single parenting, fostering children. Remember, the best decisions are made with love, not fear. The following metaphor hopefully will help:
The beautiful restaurant sat high atop a hill at the end of a winding mountain road, overlooking a lovely seaside village, nestled in the green valley below. A very hungry woman was driving in her car, on her way to The Beautiful Restaurant.
She had heard stories that this was the most delicious, nourishing, romantic restaurant in all the world. She was told the food melted in your mouth, the waiters catered to your every need, and it felt special just to sit at the beautiful tables with fine china, linen, and silver. But she was very hungry because she hadn’t eaten for many days. She hadn’t taken care of herself because she was too busy taking care of everyone else.
And so she wondered if she had the strength to reach the beautiful restaurant atop the hill at the end of the winding mountain road, overlooking the lovely seaside village, nestled in the green valley below. Along the way, she saw lots of other places to eat. Fast-food restaurants, diners, little restaurants, fancy restaurants. All seemed to be beckoning to her. She felt tempted to stop for a small bite to eat, just to satisfy her until she got to her destination.
But if she stopped, she knew she would spoil her appetite and delay her arrival. She knew that she was already late. She felt tempted to give up completely, to simply stop to eat her dinner in one of the other restaurants, because she feared she would starve to death. She began to doubt whether she had enough gasoline in her car to reach the beautiful restaurant. She wondered if she remembered the directions. She felt so lost and hungry. But she decided to continue on her way, strong in her resolve to settle for nothing less than the beautiful restaurant atop the hill at the end of the winding mountain road, overlooking the lovely seaside village, nestled in the green valley below.
And so she persisted, and when she finally arrived, she was greeted by a handsome valet who escorted her to the maitre d’ who seated her at the most exquisite table with beautiful people, next to a warmly lit fireplace. The waiters brought her the finest food on the most elegant china and she ate until she could eat no more. And she was happy.
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in West Hartford, Connecticut and the author of “The Psychotherapy Workbook.” You can email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
www.kathleencairns.com
Life goes on… and every day matters…
Having children is really hard on a marriage, so unless your marriage is very strong and you and your husband are very committed, it may not survive having children. For that reason, I would not “settle” for a husband in order to have kids. You are better off becoming a single parent (although that is not an easy path either).
Even couples who don’t get divorced are often just living as roommates — miserable but staying together because of the kids and/or because they can’t afford to divorce.
I would not marry this man if you don’t feel he is your soul mate. your merrage probably wouldn’t last. remember you want to bring a child into this world with you and your partner being best friends- soulmate. i agree with Kathleen you can always adopt a child and you can give him or her your uncoditional love. and stil look for your soul mate. best of luck to you!