LIFE GOES ON: Doctor Kathleen Helps Us Establish Boundaries

DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,

I hope you can help me break a life-long habit of collecting “strays.” I have always been drawn to people who are needy, helpless, dependent, and hurt. I love to help and to give, but eventually I always feel used and resentful that no one is there for me. And my house is filled with junk I’ve collected over the years. Somehow I think it’s all related? How can I stop this self-destructive behavior?

AMATEUR SOCIAL WORKER

DEAR A.S.W.,

Finally! You have realized that choosing friends and mates who are needy cannot offer you an equal relationship! Recognizing your part in this is the first step to changing your life. Cluttering your life with inappropriate people AND THINGS takes up quality space.

Happy people surround themselves with people who are good, kind, honest, funny, supportive, and caring. Unhappy people don’t screen and let destructive and draining people into their lives.

If you meet someone at work or have a next-door neighbor, it doesn’t mean these people have to be allowed into your life. Unlike our family, we get to choose our friends. The more entitled we feel, the more selective we become. We are not victims of those who want to know us. We can decide. We can develop screens which let in the good and keep out the bad. Without screens, there are no boundaries. Without boundaries, there is chaos.

STEP ONE: Take inventory of yourself and your lifestyle. It’s time to make your relationships and surroundings reflect your true self. Make your appearance, your home, your possessions, and your family and friends an outer expression of your inner self.

STEP TWO: It’s time to clean out closets, getting rid of everything that isn’t you. It’s time to put your belongings in order, and to clean away clutter that reflects your old life. It’s time to lose the weight that is no longer you. And, it’s also time to clean away people that are negative and draining of your positive energy.

Clear away everything and everyone in your life that doesn’t add to your life. This is about establishing boundaries. Take an inventory of your friends. Are they good, kind, honest, funny, supportive, and caring? Or are they draining of your time and energy? Are they your equals, or do you rescue strays?

Look at your mate. Ask yourself the same questions. Have you chosen someone who reflects your true self and your needs? Or are you a caretaker? Remember, this is about being self-full, not self-ish. And in the future, when new people and situations want to come into your life, remember to be aware of your boundaries. Screen. Is this person good, kind, honest; an equal? Is this situation one that will enhance your life? Be careful what you let enter into your inner life. You’ll have to live with the consequences. Screening makes all the difference in the world.

STEP THREE: Volunteer to exercise your need to give!

Doctor Kathleen’s email address is kathleen.cairns@mac.com. She will get back to as many people as she can and will use some of your questions for future columns.