Dear Doctor Kathleen,
My wife and I love each other very much. We’ve been married a little over 4 years. BUT, I worry that sometimes our fights are getting out of control. We don’t seem to know how to have a healthy argument. Nothing ever gets resolved, and we keep having the same arguments over and over again. How can we learn to resolve our disagreements without all the drama???
Tired Of The Yelling, 
Dear T.O.T. Y.,
All couples have dis-agreements. We all have different opinions, styles and personalities that are bound to clash at times. The ability to resolve conflict is one of the most important skills to have in a healthy relationship. Everyone is always talking about the need for better communication. But, it’s not just what you say, but how, when, and where you say it.
Let’s start with WHAT NOT TO DO:
1. NO swearing. You can feel anger and love at the same time.
2. NO name-calling. There is no place for meanness in a healthy relationship.
3. NO interrupting. You will have your turn to speak.
4. NO screaming. Louder does not make you right.
5. NO physical threats or acts of violence. It is against the law, against nature, and not nice.
6. NEVER use the words “NEVER” or “ALWAYS”. Use words like “often,” “hardly ever,” “seldom,” “most of the time.”
7. NO threats to end the relationship. Decisions pertaining to ending relationships should be made in calm moments of rational thinking, after much thought and discussion.
8. NO lying or exaggerating. Don’t add to the problem by making it bigger than it is.
9. NO over-generalizing. Stay with one topic at a time. Be specific.
10. NO manipulating. It makes you look bad.
Instead… BE QUIETLY POWERFUL
1. Speak in a normal, calm voice. Respect your partner, even when you are angry. If you yell or lose control, you’re giving your partner ammunition to use against you, and making yourself look silly. What you are saying is very powerful if you quietly speak your truth.
2. Agree on a time to argue. Sometimes, you need time to think or to calm down. Ask your partner if now is a good time to talk, or agree on a future time. You have the right to talk or not talk.
3. Listen. Take turns speaking. Some Native American Indians use a “talking stick.” Only the one who holds the stick is allowed to speak. If helpful, try holding a pen or an object in your hand, and pass it to your partner when you are done speaking. Pass it back and forth to avoid interruptions.
4. Stick to one topic. One argument at a time. If necessary, make a list of the things you would like to straighten out, one issue at a time.
5. Repeat what your partner is telling you to show you hear and understand, even though you may not agree. “I hear you saying that…” It’s called “Active Listening.”
6. Acknowledge your part in the conflict. There are two of you, and chances are, there’s been a misunderstanding
that needs to be resolved. Look at your own behavior and words, too.
7. Apologize. Admit your part. Forgiveness and resolution can’t occur until someone says “I’m sorry.”
8. Be willing to compromise for resolution. The most important thing is to reach an agreement where everyone feels
heard, loved, and close once again.
From The Psychotherapy Workbook: A Home-Study Guide For Growth & Change
written by Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D.
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in West Hartford, Connecticut. You can email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
Kathleen,
I love reading your colums every week. YOu Are The Best! it’s so nice of you to take timeout of your busy schedule to help people on Face Book. any one who lives in Hartford Connunicate that needs a Great Therapist Kathleen is the best she has always been there for me and has helped me out tramendiously. i just Love Her!