LIFE GOES ON: Doctor Kathleen’s Answer To A Depressed Person

Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D.

DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN,

I seem to be stuck in a depression due to my childhood. My parents were alcoholics who are now in recovery and doing very well, but I still suffer from the damage of their neglect and abuse! What can I do to become free of my past? I want to be happy! I have a loving husband and wonderful children, but they don’t know how I feel about myself! I hide it by trying to be perfect, but of course I always fail.  

Not Good Enough

DEAR N.G.E.,

It has become fashionable in the past few decades to analyze, blame, and judge parents for all of our problems. But I believe we can heal in a much more loving way by replacing blame and judgment with understanding and compassion. Your parents had problems that made it impossible for them to parent you with the love you deserved. I hope your relationship with them is better now. Have they asked for your forgiveness? It’s hard to forgive when no one has said, “I’m sorry.”

Imagine a beautiful a vase. See water being poured into the vase. But this vase has a hole in the bottom. Pour in more water and it merely flows out. We repeat this pouring in of more water until it finally occurs to us that the solution is not more water. The answer lies in repairing the hole.

We are the vase. The water is external things that we think make us happy; relationships, love, money, houses, cars, drugs, or alcohol. The hole is our injured self-esteem. We can attempt to make ourselves complete and happy by using people and things, by trying to be perfect. But we won’t be able to hold onto these things; we won’t be able to believe we really deserve them. It’s only when we repair our sense of self that we can have meaning in our lives, that we can feel loved and whole. So how do we do this? What’s the answer to the eternal question, “How can I learn to love myself?”

Unhappy relationships caused by a lack of self-love are the most common problems people bring to a therapist’s office. Although couples argue over money and children and whether the toilet seat should be left up or down, the real problem is that we feel our needs aren’t being met. Our sense of deservedness and self-esteem is low. You are afraid. You “learned” falsely that you’re not good enough, not lovable or worthy of love. You think that if you’re not perfect, you won’t be loved. And often, an antidepressant can make HUGE improvements. Major Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, a physical illness that shows in mood and behavior. It can be seen on an EEG.  

STEP ONE: Find an excellent therapist who can help you see that you deserved love beyond what you received. If necessary, seek a competent psychiatrist for medication. Studies have shown that the combination of psychotherapy AND medication works best.

STEP TWO: Remember that you learned to be depressed by a lack of stability and love in your childhood. Create your own, with routine, friends, traditions, creating calm within you by meditation and prayer.

STEP THREE: Remember, No one is all bad or all good. Mother Teresa probably had some annoying habits, while Hitler’s charisma led a nation to destruction and the loss of tens of millions of lives. Perfect is boring. Perfect is a mask that hides your true self from the world. Be seen.

Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in West Hartford, Connecticut. You can email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.

www.kathleencairns.com

Life goes on… and every day matters…