LIFE GOES ON: How Do You Tell If Your Therapy Is Working?

Dear Doctor Kathleen,

I have been in therapy with a very nice woman for about 8 months. Although I like talking to her because she’s a good listener, she doesn’t say very much. I feel better talking to her, but nothing has changed in my life. How can I tell if I’m getting the help I need? How do I know if my therapy is “working”?

Am I Getting Help?

Dear A.I.G.H.,

The very fact that you are asking these questions leads me to believe that you don’t feel like you’ve made progress for the problems that brought you to seek therapy. A psychologist is not just a good listener. If that’s all you’re getting, you may as well just talk to a friend for free!

Psychotherapy is a collaboration. You and your therapist identify the issues together, make a list of goals, figure out the steps to achieve them, and monitor progress along the way. I almost always give “homework” at the end of every session.

Therapy is not just 50 minutes. Therapy continues when you leave the office. It should influence how you view yourself and your situation. Your homework consists of steps you need to take for your growth and change. In my office, I have a sign that says, “There will be a $5 fee for whining.” If you come in week after week with the same issues without doing your part, you are wasting time. When therapy works, you know it. You see results. You learn how to deal with your issues in a productive proactive way. And one day, you’ll find yourself handling relationships and situations with your new skills, and you’ll know when it’s time to stop therapy!

So how do you know if you’re therapy is working?

STEP ONE: Remember why you started therapy. What was your issue? Have you gained any improvements or insights? You should know if you and your therapist are a good match within just a few sessions. You decide what issues you want to work on. The conversations are about you and your needs.

STEP TWO: Talk to your therapist if you have concerns and ask for what you want and need. Do not be afraid of hurting his or her feelings. You are not there to take care of your therapist.

STEP THREE: If you believe you’re not getting the help you need, ask friends or family for recommendations. If someone has personal experience in therapy, you can ask him or her questions about their therapist’s methods and personality. www.psychologytoday.com is also a good resource. Click on “Find A Therapist,” enter your zip code, and a comprehensive list of pre-screened licensed psychologists will appear, including photos, fees, insurance information, and their areas of expertise.

Doctor Kathleen’s email address is kathleen.cairns@mac.com. She will get back to as many people as she can and will use some of your questions for future columns.