A Country Called ‘HOME’
DEAR DOCTOR KATHLEEN, 
I am lonely in my own home. I am married to a wonderful man who loves to work, and when he’s home he loves his computer. I have 3 teenagers who are great in school and sports, but spend all their free time with their technology. I don’t know what to do!
LONELY MOM DEAR L.M.,
Slow down, you’re moving too fast…Simon & Garfunkel
It is the beginning of the 21st century. The family rooms are empty and the kitchens have no food. No one lives in the living room; no one dines in the dining room. Bedrooms have beds, but are mostly used for PCs, MACs, laptops, iPods, iPads, iPhones, HDTVs, WiFi’s, DVDs, CDs, cell phones, and video games. Parents leave early for work and come home late for dinner. Children have soccer, football, track, flute, and dance classes after school. Everyone eventually comes home tired. People retreat to their rooms with their own private technology. Family members are rarely together.
A house is not a home with so much privacy, separateness, and isolation. 
In the olden days of the 1950’s, families usually consisted of one mother, one father, and two or three children. The father worked and the mother stayed at home. Mothers cooked in the kitchen and served supper in the dining room at 6pm every evening. Children played outside after school; ball, hopscotch, cops and robbers. They rode bicycles and climbed trees, played tag and made up games of their own.
They did their homework on desks in bedrooms or on kitchen tables, writing on paper with pens and pencils. Later, everyone would gather in the living room to watch ABC, CBS, or NBC, the only three stations available on TV. But they were together. Families were forced to be together because there was only one television, one telephone, one living room, one car. Just one of everything. Today our families and houses and lifestyles are very different. Bigger, blended, broken, more, better, faster. And yet we feel isolated and lonely and disconnected. We have so much, and yet we have so little.
The smaller the number, the greater the intimacy.
The most intimate interactions are in person. Next, are telephone conversations, then letters, text messaging, instant-messaging, and finally email. The most intimate time spent is the rarest, while the least intimate is the most common.
Why? Because of our busy schedules, it is difficult to find time to be together in person. It requires two people to be in the same place at the same time. In “Real Time.” With email, there is no need to get out our books to schedule; we can merely “write at” each other without the other person’s presence or participation. We can say what we want to say, and get a response the next time we turn on our computers. We are communicating more and interacting less.
No wonder we feel empty, isolated, alienated, ungrounded, and lonely. A family lives in a house on a street in a neighborhood in a city in a state in a country in the world. And within the walls of a house lies a country all its own. Every country has its own geography, climate, government, social studies, language, and culture. And so does every house. Houses hold families. Inside the walls, there is a whole private nation made up of the personalities and behaviors of the people inside.
Little “COUNTRIES.” 
Every country has its own geography, climate, government, language, social studies, and culture. And so do our homes. Let’s look at the little countries we have created for ourselves.
The Geography of the House
is the architectural style, the location of the rooms, and the furnishings and belongings of the family. It may be the most influential factor that defines family life. Intimate or separate, time shared or time apart. Does the Geography of your House make togetherness easy and accessible? “Over the river and through the woods…” We’ll drive half an hour to see our dentist if it’s a straight road and relatively flat, but we’ll hesitate to drive 15 minutes to our favorite restaurant if we have to cross a bridge or go over a mountain. Geologists call this the “over the river phenomenon.” It’s a psychological barrier that has no foundation in reality. It FEELS harder, longer, slower. Rivers and mountains divide towns and countries in subtle ways.
And it’s the same at home. 
If you have to climb a flight of stairs and walk down a hall and knock on your teenager’s unfriendly closed door with a sign that says “Keep Out” and deal with music so loud you can’t hear yourself speak, you’ll hesitate to drop in to just say “How’s the homework coming?” But if your child is sitting at the kitchen table, it’s easy to pass by on your way to the refrigerator to say “Hey.”
If there’s a pile of books and magazines and bills on top of your dining room table, chances are you won’t be clearing it off for family dinner each night. But if bills are kept in desks and books and magazines are stacked on shelves, the dining room table is easy to set for meals.
If you have an uncomfortable couch and not enough chairs for everyone in the family room, you probably won’t be spending much time there. But if you have a relaxed atmosphere with comfy seats for all, you are creating a space for everyone to gather. If there’s no food in the refrigerator and dirty take-out containers in the sink, your kitchen isn’t going to be an inviting place for meals. But if you have healthy food in the cupboards and regular meal times, you;re offering a time and place for family dinner.
If there’s clutter and mess in the family room, with toys and clothes and junk scattered all over the floor, you can’t expect it to feel like an appealing room for people to gather. But if there’s a place for games and dolls and papers and books, everyone can enjoy the family room in comfort. Boundaries, mountains, rivers, jungles, deserts = closed doors, keep out signs, messy rooms, not enough furniture for everyone to be in the same room, no central place for family to gather. Easy terrain, bridges, peaceful landscape = open doors, clean and orderly rooms, rooms with comfortable chairs for all to gather together to talk or watch TV.
The Government of the House is the family politics, the leadership style, the decision-making policy, and the rules and methods of enforcement. It is a powerful force that manages all interactions of the family. Does the Government of the House make you feel stable and grounded? Fair and free, or oppressive and imprisoning.
The Politics of the House describes the parenting method in the family. Communism, anarchy = Dictatorial, severe punishment, fear, oppression. Democracy, socialism = freedom of speech, privileges, safety, respect for leadership. 
The Climate of the House is the emotional atmosphere of the family. Psychological temperature affects the mental and physical health of the family. Warm and safe, or cold and dangerous. Does the Climate of the House make you feel warm and peaceful?
Do family members take “the emotional temperature of the house”to see if it’s safe to speak? Stormy weather, earthquakes, blizzards, hurricanes = violence, abuse, anger, alcoholism. Sunshine, calm winds, mild temperatures = stable family life, good relationships, calm setting.
The Language of the House is the communication style of the family. Words, tone, and frequency of conversation express ideas, wants, needs, and desires. Kind and respectful, or critical and judgmental. Does the Language of the House make you feel understood and heard? Is there freedom of expression? Censorship, abusive language, silence, or freedom of speech, a shared language, frequent conversations. 
The Social Studies of the House is the society, education, and socioeconomic membership of the family within the community. It shows the place of the family within society. Does your home interact with the rest of society? Good neighbors and friends, or isolated and uninvolved. Isolation and withdrawal or involvement in the neighborhood, civic activity, and school functions.
The Culture of the House is made up of the customs, stories, religion, spiritual traditions, and ethnic rituals in the house. It is the soul of family life. Holiday celebrations, family history, genealogy, values, and traditions. Does the Culture of the House make you feel loved with a sense of belonging? Traditions and rituals, or unknown values and missing history.
Do you live in a healthy “Country called HOME”, or do you need a revolution?
Kathleen Cairns, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in West Hartford, Connecticut. You can email her at kathleen.cairns@mac.com and she will try to answer as many of your questions as possible. www.kathleencairns.com Life goes on… and every day matters…
Connecticut Watchdog (George Gombossy),
Thank you so much for posting Dr. Kathleen Cairns. She has that wonderful combination of super intelligence and common sense. She also writes well and is a pleasure to read.
Kathleen, yes it’s always a pleasure to read your colom every week. you always make great sense of any situation. your are the BEST! i have never met any one with your quality and you always being there to help in any way you can. you take time out of your busy schedule to write back these people that you don’t even know. i’m so so lucky to have you as a part of my life. i just love you!